rewind/play.

i am walking with nicole in a windy field. it's quiet and we're both silent, just walking, holding hands, making our way softly through the lallang.

i realize that i am truly, honestly happy, so happy that it hurts. i stop, and tell her this. tell her that i love her, tell her that i'm happy. i'm happy. it's enough for me.

she smiles a bright little nicole smile and asks me why the sudden.

i know now, and it crashes into every inch of my body. you're going to break up with me nicole, i say. you don't understand. someone else takes these quiet walks with you now.

she looks hurt. no, she says, i'm not going to break up with you. i might forget, but i'll remember sometime. she looks at me with those bright, terrible eyes. i won't forget.

i wake up and her eyes fade from my throat into the darkness. the dream is the sixth of its kind this month.

every night i lose her all over again.