we found a pair of squash racquets and a ball while clearing out the office. since there are like a hundred empty squash courts in safti and i have so much free time now i played squash for the first time today.
it comes to me a lot more naturally than badminton or tennis ever did, and i'm looking forward to getting better.
of course, the only reason why i'm writing about this here is because it made me think of nicole. she told me once about her and squash; about her growing up, wanting to play squash professionally. about how she gave that dream up.
i have a cute image in my mind right now. nicole hitting a ball against a wall, again and again. kinda makes me want to kiss her.
but i've been filling out the days with work, with gym, swimming, running, driving, going out. it's been better. she's back from hong kong now i hope she had a good time. i hope she's happy and smiling and cute for marcus.
some days are better than the others. maybe i'm learning.
i think i'll be spending a lot more time in the squash courts over the next few weeks.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
what is gone is gone.
once every few weeks i still stare at my phone
thinking
rationalizing
about friendship and love and caring
and being mature
but the better part of me knows.
no.
no, ryan.
you are irrelevant now.
being mature doesn't mean staying friends
or being able to love someone without being with them
or even about changing the person you are.
the fact that you am fifteen minutes early for everything now
or that you've gotten better at shooting games
or that you're working so much harder
doesn't change anything.
no.
being mature means knowing what is more comfortable to her.
what will genuinely make her happy.
even if that means i will never
see her again
touch her face
share a smile
until the day we both die.
thinking
rationalizing
about friendship and love and caring
and being mature
but the better part of me knows.
no.
no, ryan.
you are irrelevant now.
being mature doesn't mean staying friends
or being able to love someone without being with them
or even about changing the person you are.
the fact that you am fifteen minutes early for everything now
or that you've gotten better at shooting games
or that you're working so much harder
doesn't change anything.
no.
being mature means knowing what is more comfortable to her.
what will genuinely make her happy.
even if that means i will never
see her again
touch her face
share a smile
until the day we both die.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
ships and seas and useless thoughts.
we visited the rss persistence today, one of the singapore navy's massive tank landing ships. i don't know if i've mentioned this before, but the navy has always appealed to me. back in bmt i almost signed on - i'd already reached the interview stage before i changed my mind. later on i'd look back and think that i was mad to even consider signing on.
moving through the quiet corridors of the ship, though, reminded me of the reasons why i wanted to join the navy. as i stood within the enclosed cabin and looked out at the skies above the silent sea i felt an immense longing, a tremendous sense of promise and beauty not unlike the feeling i get from a carefully-inked drawing or the wind against my face on a sunday afternoon.
stendhal once postulated that beauty is the promise of happiness. in a way, i think found the ship beautiful because of the unfulfilled life, the possibilities of futures that i saw in the naval life i will never lead. thinking it over, i realized that two things appealed to me.
one, perhaps the more obvious one, was the prospect of change; the opportunity to dock at ports all around the world, to walk through different cities. the opportunity to sail away from the mistakes i've made, to lose myself in places where nobody knows me.
the other was the prospect of constancy, of closeness. on a ship, nothing changes. there are spaces to live, spaces to be alone and spaces to be close with the other people on board. and the whole ship is your family - men and women you can trust and grow to love, friends and companions you can have meals and travel with. this was what the small, quiet spaces and corners in the ship spoke to me of - the reason why just moving through the ship made my throat stick.
eventually, however, i came to the realization that i didn't really want, at my core, to join the navy. my longing was much more primal than that - it was the same longing, the same conflict between escape and loneliness, the conflict of wanting to be both utterly known and completely unknown, that drives people to elope, to run away, to be with the people they love and leave the places they know.
it's funny. i want to leave, but i don't want to be lonely. when i told nicole about my dreams of navy in bmt she told me that she'd thought about it too. back then i toyed briefly with the childish, wistful idea of joining the navy with her and being on a ship together. but i also knew at the same time that not only would we never share lives that close, we would only go on to drift further apart as uni and army wore on. i will never be in the same class as nicole ever again. for the rest of our lives, the little we had in common - the shared experiences, the people - will rapidly fade, until our relationship will be as improbable as it should have been to begin with.
in all honesty i don't know why i'm still writing about nicole. if she were reading this she'd probably think i'm using her as some fucked up pseudo-muse. i know. i know that she thinks i never really loved her for being her, that she was just a player in the idealist fantasy i try to impose on my life, that the reason why i'm not letting go of her is because i haven't found a replacement for that role she used to occupy in my life.
maybe that's true, i don't know. maybe she's right and i don't really need a nicole to be my girlfriend; maybe i just want any girl.
maybe so. but what i know is that even if we were shit as a couple i really do miss having a nicole in my life. being nicole, doing her stubborn technophobic sporty squealish nicole things. maybe she was right and i never really loved her. all i know is that i care, quite a lot. and sometimes i miss her so much i can't sleep and i don't know why i'm like that.
my regrets can't quite be counted on both of my hands.
moving through the quiet corridors of the ship, though, reminded me of the reasons why i wanted to join the navy. as i stood within the enclosed cabin and looked out at the skies above the silent sea i felt an immense longing, a tremendous sense of promise and beauty not unlike the feeling i get from a carefully-inked drawing or the wind against my face on a sunday afternoon.
stendhal once postulated that beauty is the promise of happiness. in a way, i think found the ship beautiful because of the unfulfilled life, the possibilities of futures that i saw in the naval life i will never lead. thinking it over, i realized that two things appealed to me.
one, perhaps the more obvious one, was the prospect of change; the opportunity to dock at ports all around the world, to walk through different cities. the opportunity to sail away from the mistakes i've made, to lose myself in places where nobody knows me.
the other was the prospect of constancy, of closeness. on a ship, nothing changes. there are spaces to live, spaces to be alone and spaces to be close with the other people on board. and the whole ship is your family - men and women you can trust and grow to love, friends and companions you can have meals and travel with. this was what the small, quiet spaces and corners in the ship spoke to me of - the reason why just moving through the ship made my throat stick.
eventually, however, i came to the realization that i didn't really want, at my core, to join the navy. my longing was much more primal than that - it was the same longing, the same conflict between escape and loneliness, the conflict of wanting to be both utterly known and completely unknown, that drives people to elope, to run away, to be with the people they love and leave the places they know.
it's funny. i want to leave, but i don't want to be lonely. when i told nicole about my dreams of navy in bmt she told me that she'd thought about it too. back then i toyed briefly with the childish, wistful idea of joining the navy with her and being on a ship together. but i also knew at the same time that not only would we never share lives that close, we would only go on to drift further apart as uni and army wore on. i will never be in the same class as nicole ever again. for the rest of our lives, the little we had in common - the shared experiences, the people - will rapidly fade, until our relationship will be as improbable as it should have been to begin with.
in all honesty i don't know why i'm still writing about nicole. if she were reading this she'd probably think i'm using her as some fucked up pseudo-muse. i know. i know that she thinks i never really loved her for being her, that she was just a player in the idealist fantasy i try to impose on my life, that the reason why i'm not letting go of her is because i haven't found a replacement for that role she used to occupy in my life.
maybe that's true, i don't know. maybe she's right and i don't really need a nicole to be my girlfriend; maybe i just want any girl.
maybe so. but what i know is that even if we were shit as a couple i really do miss having a nicole in my life. being nicole, doing her stubborn technophobic sporty squealish nicole things. maybe she was right and i never really loved her. all i know is that i care, quite a lot. and sometimes i miss her so much i can't sleep and i don't know why i'm like that.
my regrets can't quite be counted on both of my hands.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
bruises.
sometimes i get scared my body will grow old before i do. already it betrays me with old injuries that don't heal, fevers i can't shrug off - thailand put such a strain on my back i'm not sure it'll recover anytime soon.
as a boy you tend to think that you're invincible, that you'll recover from anything, that enough sleep and rest will heal your body of anything life can throw at it. it's hard to imagine never being able to recover, to imagine and accept that what is gone is gone. youth means that you will never die.
nicks, scratches, bruises, cuts from the blades of concertina wire digging into my arm. my body is deteriorating, being covered over with scars.
my hands are rougher now.
what is gone is gone is gone.
as a boy you tend to think that you're invincible, that you'll recover from anything, that enough sleep and rest will heal your body of anything life can throw at it. it's hard to imagine never being able to recover, to imagine and accept that what is gone is gone. youth means that you will never die.
nicks, scratches, bruises, cuts from the blades of concertina wire digging into my arm. my body is deteriorating, being covered over with scars.
my hands are rougher now.
what is gone is gone is gone.
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