twenty.

why do i even bother

a world in which
ryan is
nothing but
a bad memory

well

i am proud of you too, you know

although
it makes me feel sad

last thought before i sleep

being able to talk to her
and ask her about her new box
to be happy for her
truly
honestly
without losing an ounce of the intensity that i feel now

maybe that is real love
that balance

i will learn
funny
never thought she'd change me that much
but i don't want to be different anymore
just happy

and i will learn if that is what it takes to see her again.

thoughts

i don't really want to write
but then again i don't want to die without a trace

the words are always there.
maybe a remnant when i'm gone, someday
so i might as well get them down

last night i dreamt i woke nicole up from a coma
she loved me until i had to tell her that no
i'm sorry nicole
you have another boyfriend now
think you're happier with him maybe
fuck if i know we don't talk anymore
not in the real world

the look in her eyes
i swear i'd forgotten it for months now
how she looks when she's in love with me

i didn't want to tell her
it was only a dream i didn't have to
but it's funny
i didn't want her to settle for anything less

it's been almost two weeks since the last time i really thought about her
so that means that i am forgetting
it is the right thing to do

apparently during the ocs family visit james michael hill was around
asking my colleagues and trainees about me and subsequently asking about nicole
not sure what's the deal there
but andrew's alright. nicole was right, he's cute, and harmless;
and i was being a complete idiot before.

the days have been flying past really
with nothing much to hold on to, not many people around
that matter to me

not many people have mattered to me
now that i really think about it

i wish i were closer to my parents; my family
my class

i am not very well-adjusted
but i am trying

god i am trying

nine boys to make into officers and some of them don't even give a damn. but this is my job and i will not pass out half-fucked officers who don't give a damn. they all have potential to be outstanding people if they put their minds to it. this i can do at least.

angel misses me terribly and is always delighted when i come home but i think it is because i am the only one in the house who plays with her. i fight with her and run with her and pretend to be cats with her and tickle her until she can't stop laughing.

i will swim and run and write and read and things will get better and before i know it i will be out of army.

ryan you will be happy before the year ends.

rollercoaster

i don't know how to fix my mistakes.

no. bernice was right there. there are no second chances. we suck it up, hold our dignity in, and move on. it's not that hard to do.

for months after the breakup with nicole every day that passed was like a shard of glass in my chest as i thought about her growing happier with marcus. that was pain. it's natural.

what is not natural is wallowing in it. this new blog isn't "moving on". this is just me talking when there is nothing left to be said. i promised myself i would not be like this.

no.

there are other things for me now. responsibilities, work. i am getting better and it is true. i think about her less each day.

soon there will be no more nicole in my head.

what do i know

what the fuck do i know